My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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