i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
