I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
