Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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