Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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