Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Enjoy the penises
I would ride that face into the sunset
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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