either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
