Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
