laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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