No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
