Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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