Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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