in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
