sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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