Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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