My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
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