That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
