I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
