Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
