he shaved USA in his pubs
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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