I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
