OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Randomize
