How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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