i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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