If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
sex in a hospital.. check
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
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