i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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