i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Well I just put wine in my tea
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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