mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
