he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
