I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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