And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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