Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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