Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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