I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Randomize
