Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
