If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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