It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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