my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
