I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
