i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
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He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
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I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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