You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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