Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
