I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
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