new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
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Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
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And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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