She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I want a musical about memes.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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