you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
