I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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