if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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