That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
