i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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