Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i think i have two assholes
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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