you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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