but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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