my soul wont recognize me after tonight
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
