I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
