DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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