I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
