Im at strip club and am horny
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
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Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
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no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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