i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
me + whiskey = a bad person
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
