can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
